The world was a different place in early 2016. Barack Obama was still President of the United States, Nicolas Cage had only recently been Left Behind, Hamilton was still a new musical, and The Babylon Bee actually published Christian satire instead of just political talking points. Those of you who were on Christian Twitter™ during that time probably remember that latter point well. People shared posts from the website, and collectively we all laughed at our shared experiences in Christian culture. When the website was new, I thought: I could do that. And so, that’s exactly what I did.

In March 2016, I brainstormed a few topics I thought were funny and could submit to the website for consideration. I only ever submitted one article, but to my surprise, The Babylon Bee actually published it. The article in question, “Pope Francis Declares all Cats Christians at Vatican Summit,” had my favourite joke that I’ve ever come up with:

Several years ago, scholars universally acknowledged that all dogs go to heaven. It is unclear whether or not today’s announcement jeopardizes this previous belief. When asked about any possible conflict, the Vatican’s media specialist responded: “That was a predominantly Protestant perspective. I think it originated with Karl Barkh’s Dog-matic theology.”

“Pope Francis Declares All Cats Christians At Vatican Summit,” The Babylon Bee, 8 March 2016. Online: https://babylonbee.com/news/pope-francis-declares-all-cats-christians-at-vatican-summit

Karl Barkh the dog-matic theologian? Chef’s kiss. For whatever reason, my name is no longer listed on the article (probably a small mercy) but, for a time, I was a proud contributor to something we all enjoyed. Since that time, the website has changed a lot (including owners), and its jabs are much less light-hearted.

That brings me to a few days ago when I booted up my old computer to try and find some of my old research. As I was going through the files, I found a document entitled “Babylon Bee,” which, as it would happen, contained all my old ideas that I had hoped to spin into full-length articles. Most of them were just headlines, but a few of them actually had a sentence or two.

With hopes that we might again experience some of the magic of the early days of The Babylon Bee, I thought I’d share a few of them here. Please note that I wrote these in 2016, so some of the references are either (A) dated and no longer relevant or (B) eerily accurate.

So, without further adieu, here are some of my early attempts at Christian satire…

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Man No Longer Sad After Friend Tells Him “I’ll Pray For You”

Omer, MI—In a stunning turn, Steve Mason was cured of his depression today after his best friend Lee Andrews offered to “pray for him.”

Doctors are calling it unprecedented. “I just felt like rather than actually helping him in some tangible way, I could offer to pray for him,” said Andrews, “It was the least I could do. Really, the least.”

Christian Movie Studio to Produce Yet Another Movie With the Same Plot

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Christian Movie studio “FaithFlix” announced early Monday morning that they are planning a film that has the exact same plot as every other Christian film released in recent memory.  

This movie will focus on a beleaguered protagonist who is placed in a difficult situation where they need to defend their faith to a room full of atheists.

“It really is a completely new direction for Christian movies,” said child-star turned Christian apologist Kirk Cameron, who will occupy the director’s chair. “I mean, sure, we have God’s Not Dead, A Matter of Faith, and God’s Not Dead 2, but this time the protagonist will have an even harder time convincing everyone around them.”

The film, which will also inexplicably feature Kirk Cameron as himself, is slated for release in early July.  

And, because you stayed this long, here are a few rapid-fire headlines for you:

• John Hagee predicts how Game of Thrones will end
• Ken Ham prefers Chicken
• U2’s Bono Still Hasn’t Found What He’s Looking For
• Clinton courts Trump as Running-Mate to win Evangelical vote, election (yikes, eerie)
• Trump says “Book of Jesus” his favorite book in the Bible
• Studio Green-lights Third Installment in “God’s Not Dead” Series, Entitled, “God’s Still Not Dead: Vengeance”

Discovering these headlines and rough drafts was both fun and a little sad for me. It was fun, obviously, because there’s a lot of stuff to laugh about in Christian culture; but it was sad because it reminded me of a simpler time when we could all laugh at ourselves and at some of the silliness that many of us lived through. Honestly, there’s a lot to laugh at. But, if I had to boil all of this down to a single lesson, it’s that I’ll never come up with a funnier joke than “Karl Barkh, the dog-matic theologian.”